[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
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One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”