When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
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Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
the rocks need my help
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that