The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
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Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
Not all heroes wear capes…
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
want me to check your oil?
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……