Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
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…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
HERE’S MARKY
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Classic German Shepherd 😂
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”