If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
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Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Hello Twits.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
every. time.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Beauty and the Beast
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”