Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
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Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
#Caturday
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
socratic questions
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.