birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
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[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.