During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
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Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
ok this is my dumbest yet
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time