*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
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As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
my first dose meeting my second
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
lmaaaaaooooooooo
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please