Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
You Might Also Like
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
It’s the weekend y’all
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww