my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
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How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
She puts the hot in psychotic
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW