An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
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At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?