friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
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Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums