When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
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I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.