Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
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For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”