Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
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If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”