Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
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what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*