Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
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If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
My biological clock is wheezing.