*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
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[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Jogging
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
Social Media and Real life
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.