grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
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Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.