Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
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3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No