My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
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It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
Who called it baking and not making love
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all