Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
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justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.