doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
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Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
this is so top tier i cant
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*