Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
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My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!