doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
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Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!