Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
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Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.