[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
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14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday