does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
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Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Strangers have the best candy.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.