Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
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me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
okay run it by me one more time
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.