Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
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Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
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*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?