Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
You Might Also Like
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.