Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
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Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen