Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
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Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.