how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
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[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
why I oughta
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.