Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
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My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it