*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
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I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*