My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
You Might Also Like
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
These work great until they don’t.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
When the stylist spins you back around
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!