I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
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HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
I’m being attacked 😭
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.