it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
You Might Also Like
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.