Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
You Might Also Like
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days