I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
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[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know