[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
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I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Knock Knock
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.