Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
You Might Also Like
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
The Sun
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.