Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
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Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
screw you
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.