Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
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[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
Air conditioning – not a fan
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
This kinda thing happens to me often
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what