When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
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Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
decorating my apartment
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Saint West, the patron of selfies
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
sounds kinky. i’m in.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.