Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
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i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity