If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
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Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone: