Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
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The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
Midwest trash talk
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
car not found
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT